Ella started kindergarten today. I thought I was ready for it. But last night I was just feeling all out of sorts and then I realized I have never dropped Ella off someplace and left. She's been in the nursery and Sunday school at church and MOPS but I never left the building. We have dropped her off with family but even then it was only Leslie or Doug and Linda, people she is very familiar and comfortable with. Although I know she'll be fine and probably love school, my mom-ness takes over. I worry that someone will pick on her, that she won't make friends, that she'll get hurt and I won't be there, that she'll lose her lunch, that she'll be afraid to ask for help with something, and a whole slew of other things. I'm anxiously waiting to go pick her up (it's a half day, thank GOD!) and hear from her that everything was great and she loves school. It helps to know that Linda is in the kitchen if Ella needs someone familiar. Mrs. Radford seems like a great teacher too.
I was struck by the thought that the whole purpose of parenting is letting go. You create and give birth to this tiny being and gradually and continually prepare them to survive without you. Think about it - even beginning with conception, the baby is developing to survive outside of you. Once the baby is born, they begin to eat on their own, although initially with a lot of help from Mom and Dad. As time goes on, they learn to roll, crawl, walk, and run. They begin to self-feed. It continues forever. Leaving Ella in her kindergarten room felt like one of the most tangible steps of letting go in a long time. To some degree, it feels like she was just this tiny infant that needed me for everything. I can't imagine how it will feel to leave her in her college dorm room. I know it's years away but I have a sneaking suspicion it won't feel that long.
It was about ten years ago that my parents dropped me off in my college dorm room. It was Labor Day, September 3rd. How on earth do I remember the date? It was my mom's birthday. Probably not the happiest way to spend her birthday, but I'd imagine it had some sweetness to it. I was ready to leave home but not bolting like I was escaping. I was prepared to stand on my own two feet (as much as you do living in a college dorm) but not desperate to separate myself from my parents. I missed them and occasionally got homesick, but I was ready. I think that is the mark of good parenting - when milestones come, your child is prepared for them. If you have done your job well, your child is ready for you to let go.
I think daughters will always need their mom to some degree. Right now I find some comfort in that. My mom just celebrated her 53rd birthday this past weekend, her first birthday without her mom. It's harder to prepare for that final letting go, I think. Mom will always miss Grandma but she's okay without her here, so I think Grandma did her job well. Today would have been Grandma's 92nd birthday. It seems fitting that Ella's first day of kindergarten is on Grandma's birthday, like it completes a circle somehow. Perhaps I should take some pride in the fact that Ella didn't cry when I left the room without her and she seemed ready for this step. But I still hope that when I pick her up, she'll hug me and say she missed me before she tells me how much she loved her first day of school.
