On this date 8 years ago, my uncle went home to heaven. It was very unexpected. Uncle Durwood went out hunting at his brother-in-law's house. They came home and saw his car was still there and thought it was odd. They found him sitting against a tree, holding his gun, gone. It was a heart attack. Heart problems run on that side of the family, but he had had a physical a few weeks earlier and was given a clean bill of health. Christmas always makes me think of him, partly because it was this time of year that he left us and partly because of all the good Christmas memories I have of him.
Uncle Durwood was gentle and soft-spoken. He was friendly and loved kids. We have many pictures of me or my siblings (the youngest cousins) sitting on his lap. He has four grandkids that didn't get to have him long enough. He would have been so proud of them. When we all get together now, there's an abundance of little kids - 8 kids 6 and under. He would have loved that. I wish my kids could have known him. I wish Steve could have known him too. They would have gotten along so well.
Thinking of when Uncle Durwood passed makes me think of Grandma Steward. She's with him now, but I remember her crying when we got the news. He was her only son and her oldest child.
I've been pretty somber for the past few weeks, thinking about Uncle Fred and Aunt Rita. What I didn't expect is how many memories it would dredge up, of Grandpa and Grandma Atherton, when he died and Grandma couldn't stay at their home alone anymore, of Grandma Steward and when she died, of when she couldn't safely live alone at her home anymore, of this past summer when we went through her house the last time before we sold it and they tore it down. There have been so many strong emotions swirling through me. Thankfulness for the time I had with each of them, nostalgia and longing for things of the past, relief that Grandma Steward wasn't around to see her home torn down, a strong urge to go to the places that remind me of each of them, wishing I had more things to remind me of them, thankfulness that my kids have known Grandma Steward, Fred, and Rita, and sadness that the girls didn't get to know my other grandparents, Steve's other grandparents, and Uncle Durwood.
If my feelings are this strong, I can only imagine what Aunt Rita must be feeling. Please pray for her - for peace, for safety, for comfort. I realize that part of aging is outliving loved ones and returning to a state where you increasingly need others to help you and care for you, but it can't be easy. I realize I've blogged multiple times in a few weeks after not posting for months. Writing helps me. I can get my thoughts out and organizing them into coherent sentences helps me process them. I'll be writing a Christmas letter and I know I'll have happier things to post soon. But thank you for your understanding while I deal with this loss and the memories it's brought up.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Grief and loss
I had a whole post ready to go about last week. Uncle Fred passed away Monday morning. Ella got sick. We had our 7th wedding anniversary. The visitation was Thursday and the funeral was Friday. We came home to the news of the shooting in Connecticut. The week was emotional and up and down.
Uncle Fred had a long life and turned 86 a few weeks before he died. He was married to Aunt Rita for 60 years and they dated for 10 years before that. He had been sick for a few months and the last month was rough. But it gave everyone in the family the opportunity to visit and say goodbye. He wanted to make it to Aunt Rita's 90th birthday on Christmas day. We're all concerned about her, since she's getting older and her balance and physical strength isn't what it used to be. She had a black eye at the visitation and funeral, after getting tangled in her sheets and falling while climbing out of bed. She may not be able to stay in their home much longer, at least not without someone staying with her. My heart's been heaviest through all this thinking about Rita and what she must be feeling. 70 years with one man is an amazing accomplishment and there must be a lot of heartache now that he's gone. He did repent and become a Christian at the end, so that's some comfort.
The news of the shooting put that loss in perspective. Yes, we miss Uncle Fred already and I'm afraid of what his death means for Aunt Rita, but the only person we had to say goodbye to on Friday had a long life and we had time to say goodbye while he was still alive. That's a tremendous gift. So many people were not so fortunate on Friday. It's tragic. The whole thing is unthinkable. I don't believe gun control or different laws would have prevented it. I believe the mental health system needs to be changed, though I don't have any suggestions of how to do it. I don't think pointing fingers does any good. I don't think talking about guns helps anything. I don't think the incessant coverage and rehashing helps either. Attempting to discover what could have prevented this may help prevent future attacks, but that doesn't seem to be where the media is focused. I don't have answers and I don't think there is an easy answer to this. My grand solution is to show love and pray, a lot. I pray for peace for the families torn apart. I pray for people to have compassion towards the brother of the shooter, who was originally accused and may be stuck with the stigma of this horror while mourning the loss of his own family. I pray for the kids and staff who witnessed or heard much more than anyone ever should, let alone at such a tender age. I pray this won't happen again. I pray for safety. I pray for all the people who feel the deep pain that leads to committing this kind of act. I pray for people to show love at every opportunity and that maybe small acts of kindness will help prevent this in the future. I guess my point is this: show kindness and express love. We don't know how much a small thing like a smile or holding the door open can make a difference, especially to someone who's been ostracized and outcast. Do the good you can, where you can, in whatever way you can. Maybe that can be the legacy from this tragedy.
Uncle Fred had a long life and turned 86 a few weeks before he died. He was married to Aunt Rita for 60 years and they dated for 10 years before that. He had been sick for a few months and the last month was rough. But it gave everyone in the family the opportunity to visit and say goodbye. He wanted to make it to Aunt Rita's 90th birthday on Christmas day. We're all concerned about her, since she's getting older and her balance and physical strength isn't what it used to be. She had a black eye at the visitation and funeral, after getting tangled in her sheets and falling while climbing out of bed. She may not be able to stay in their home much longer, at least not without someone staying with her. My heart's been heaviest through all this thinking about Rita and what she must be feeling. 70 years with one man is an amazing accomplishment and there must be a lot of heartache now that he's gone. He did repent and become a Christian at the end, so that's some comfort.
The news of the shooting put that loss in perspective. Yes, we miss Uncle Fred already and I'm afraid of what his death means for Aunt Rita, but the only person we had to say goodbye to on Friday had a long life and we had time to say goodbye while he was still alive. That's a tremendous gift. So many people were not so fortunate on Friday. It's tragic. The whole thing is unthinkable. I don't believe gun control or different laws would have prevented it. I believe the mental health system needs to be changed, though I don't have any suggestions of how to do it. I don't think pointing fingers does any good. I don't think talking about guns helps anything. I don't think the incessant coverage and rehashing helps either. Attempting to discover what could have prevented this may help prevent future attacks, but that doesn't seem to be where the media is focused. I don't have answers and I don't think there is an easy answer to this. My grand solution is to show love and pray, a lot. I pray for peace for the families torn apart. I pray for people to have compassion towards the brother of the shooter, who was originally accused and may be stuck with the stigma of this horror while mourning the loss of his own family. I pray for the kids and staff who witnessed or heard much more than anyone ever should, let alone at such a tender age. I pray this won't happen again. I pray for safety. I pray for all the people who feel the deep pain that leads to committing this kind of act. I pray for people to show love at every opportunity and that maybe small acts of kindness will help prevent this in the future. I guess my point is this: show kindness and express love. We don't know how much a small thing like a smile or holding the door open can make a difference, especially to someone who's been ostracized and outcast. Do the good you can, where you can, in whatever way you can. Maybe that can be the legacy from this tragedy.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Updates
Apparently I've blogged twice in about 14 months. The last time was 9 months ago. Plenty has happened to blog about, but I haven't taken the time to sit down and type it out. Life has been busy and sometimes I feel like it's been too busy to sit and write about it, lol. So here are some highlights:
- We got two cats. We thought they were girls and named them Martha and Puggles. After some rather male behavior, I checked and found that our female cats looked suspiciously male. They are now Frank the Shark (we couldn't pick between two names so we combined them and we now have a gangster cat who is fat and lazy) and Puggles (Mia sometimes calls him Mr. Puggles).
- The girls are now 6, 4, and 2. We're down to one in diapers (amazing after having 2 in diapers for a solid 3.5 years, 6 months of which we had THREE in diapers). Zero cribs,one toddler bed, two twin beds. No high chairs. I finally sorted out all the baby toys and assorted baby things and they all went to my parents' house. My two sisters (who both have babies) each took some things and some stayed there, so Mom and Dad now have a great collection of baby toys.
- Ella is in first grade. She loves school and is in the advanced group for both reading and math. She has a best friend (Gavin, since she's a tomboy and thinks boys are awesome). She no longer likes pretty things and only wants to be cool. Her favorite toy now is Legos (the small ones, because she's old enough now).
- Mia is in preschool. She's buddies with Ellie, who conveniently has a brother Ella's age, a sister Nora's age, and an awesome mom. She still adores pretty things and princesses. She's my helper. At home and at preschool when it's my turn to help in the classroom.
- Nora enjoys the time alone at the house. She's really chatty now and most of the time we can figure out what she's saying. I have to interpret Nora-speak for other people a lot though. She's into all pretend things with characters.
- Steve earned a big promotion at the bank back in the spring and a very nice raise with it. He works more hours and is a bit more stressed, but he usually enjoys the work and the challenge.
- I stay busy running kids everywhere and keeping things and schedules organized. I'm also in charge of Secret Sister for MOPS now. I'm no longer teaching Turbo Kick, which was bittersweet, but maybe at some point in the future things will line up better for it. I am planning on pursuing health coach and nutrition training in the spring with the plan to work part time until all the kids are in school all day.
- We gained another niece (bringing the total to 6) and a nephew. No new marriages, but two siblings are in fairly serious relationships. Uncle Fred is sick and will most likely pass in the next few weeks. Annie and Jonathan were both able to come home to say good-bye. Jonathan will deploy in the spring. Leslie and Paul are in North Dakota now and technically Paul deploys every week or so (he's usually gone for 36 hours at a time as a missileer - I'm thankful he's able to be home most of the time and isn't in a war zone).
I'm pretty sure those are all the highlights. At right this moment, Nora is sitting next to me on the couch coloring. Mia is moaning on the loveseat - she's sick and a bit melodramatic. Ella is at the table with Steve and Mike playing with Legos. I can't complain (other than the fact that it seems like someone is always sick - can we change that?) because life is good. It's busy and messy and definitely not perfect, but we have everything we need, most of what we want, and a lot of love and laughter. I hope the same is true in your household.
- We got two cats. We thought they were girls and named them Martha and Puggles. After some rather male behavior, I checked and found that our female cats looked suspiciously male. They are now Frank the Shark (we couldn't pick between two names so we combined them and we now have a gangster cat who is fat and lazy) and Puggles (Mia sometimes calls him Mr. Puggles).
- The girls are now 6, 4, and 2. We're down to one in diapers (amazing after having 2 in diapers for a solid 3.5 years, 6 months of which we had THREE in diapers). Zero cribs,one toddler bed, two twin beds. No high chairs. I finally sorted out all the baby toys and assorted baby things and they all went to my parents' house. My two sisters (who both have babies) each took some things and some stayed there, so Mom and Dad now have a great collection of baby toys.
- Ella is in first grade. She loves school and is in the advanced group for both reading and math. She has a best friend (Gavin, since she's a tomboy and thinks boys are awesome). She no longer likes pretty things and only wants to be cool. Her favorite toy now is Legos (the small ones, because she's old enough now).
- Mia is in preschool. She's buddies with Ellie, who conveniently has a brother Ella's age, a sister Nora's age, and an awesome mom. She still adores pretty things and princesses. She's my helper. At home and at preschool when it's my turn to help in the classroom.
- Nora enjoys the time alone at the house. She's really chatty now and most of the time we can figure out what she's saying. I have to interpret Nora-speak for other people a lot though. She's into all pretend things with characters.
- Steve earned a big promotion at the bank back in the spring and a very nice raise with it. He works more hours and is a bit more stressed, but he usually enjoys the work and the challenge.
- I stay busy running kids everywhere and keeping things and schedules organized. I'm also in charge of Secret Sister for MOPS now. I'm no longer teaching Turbo Kick, which was bittersweet, but maybe at some point in the future things will line up better for it. I am planning on pursuing health coach and nutrition training in the spring with the plan to work part time until all the kids are in school all day.
- We gained another niece (bringing the total to 6) and a nephew. No new marriages, but two siblings are in fairly serious relationships. Uncle Fred is sick and will most likely pass in the next few weeks. Annie and Jonathan were both able to come home to say good-bye. Jonathan will deploy in the spring. Leslie and Paul are in North Dakota now and technically Paul deploys every week or so (he's usually gone for 36 hours at a time as a missileer - I'm thankful he's able to be home most of the time and isn't in a war zone).
I'm pretty sure those are all the highlights. At right this moment, Nora is sitting next to me on the couch coloring. Mia is moaning on the loveseat - she's sick and a bit melodramatic. Ella is at the table with Steve and Mike playing with Legos. I can't complain (other than the fact that it seems like someone is always sick - can we change that?) because life is good. It's busy and messy and definitely not perfect, but we have everything we need, most of what we want, and a lot of love and laughter. I hope the same is true in your household.
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