Huffington Post recently published a list of one thing you MUST do in each state. Out of curiosity, I scrolled through to Michigan to see what made the list. Shinola, a watch and bicycle shop in Detroit. To be fair, the shop sounds cool. But if you come to Michigan and do ONE thing, that's it? Really?
So I scrolled through the rest of the list. In some states, it's driving down a picturesque road. For Arizona, it's spending a night in the Grand Canyon. For others, it was throwing horseshoes at a popcorn festival or seeing the butter cow. I haven't seen a single thing on the list in any of the states I've visited. And no matter how awesome the food, I don't think ice cream or a sandwich has ever topped the list of best memories of any trip.
Plenty of people have complaints about the Michigan. They complain about the weather, the roads, the economy, the crime (side note: the weather contributes to the roads and the economy contributes to the crime rate). Sometimes I wonder how people outside of Michigan see us. I'd imagine they think it's basically Detroit and Flint, with wilderness and snow elsewhere. And cars.
Personally, I like Michigan. I've never lived anywhere else and I'm good with that. I was born in Alma, spent my childhood in the UP, and have lived in small towns in the lower peninsula. Jackson is both the biggest city I've lived in and the farthest south I've ever lived. I'd be okay with it remaining that way, to be honest. I like having seasons and Michigan has beautiful seasons, more than the winter and construction most people talk about. Winter can feel long and we get a good amount of snow. It also gets cold. But it's winter. And the snow is actually really pretty, at least for the first two months. When spring comes, it's green and flowery and gorgeous. Everything is new. And we've got wildlife. Baby animals are adorable. When summer comes, it's warm and sunny and we can go to the beach. Michigan has tons of lakes and rivers and we have miles of beaches on the Great Lakes. Plus it doesn't get ridiculously hot here. It does get humid, in which case you find water to swim in. The thunderstorms can be awesome too. And then there's fall, my favorite season. There's a chill in the air, leaves start turning colors, and it's perfect for football and bonfires and visiting pumpkin patches. It gets windy too, and there's this eerie, melancholy feel to fall. Things come to an end and fall is a reminder of that. But things aren't dead. They simply go dormant for a while and start fresh in the spring. Plus fall is a countdown to Christmas and the first snow of the season. If seasons were a song, it'd be a lot more exciting with changes, right? Summer would be light and uptempo, fall would be a bit melancholy and crisp, winter would be muted and hinting of things to come, gradually coming to a joyous crescendo in spring. Seasons without weather changes would be a repetitive pop song - it might be appealing at first, but it would quickly become grating and dull.
And there are so many cool things to see in Michigan. There are the Great Lakes and all the things that go along with them - beaches, dunes, lighthouses, rock formations. There are other natural things, like Castle Rock, Tahquemenon Falls, and more. There are historical places - museums, forts, Mackinaw Island. Man-made things, like the Soo Locks and the Mackinac Bridge. There are thousands of things to see in Michigan, no matter what your interest. There's a shipwreck museum at Whitefish Point. There's an old state prison in Jackson you can tour if that's your thing (there are rumors that it's haunted, if you like that). There are festivals for everything from roses to cherries to cheeseburgers. If you're into architecture, visit Grand Rapids or Detroit. If you like cars, visit just about any place in Michigan - Detroit, Flint, even St. Ignace (there's a car show there). If you're interested in art, go to ArtPrize in Grand Rapids or visit the Heidelberg Project in Detroit. The cities here have a lot to offer, though personally I think you'd be missing out if you didn't venture outside them. There are so many interesting things about Michigan and I know I've missed a ton of them. Please comment and add anything I've missed. The point is, if the one thing you do in Michigan is visit a hipster watch/bicycle shop, you're missing out, no matter how neat it is.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Love
As a parent, it's easy to feel like you're not getting it right, especially if your kids have been bickering a lot. And mine have been. But today was one of those days that makes you feel like you're getting something right.
While dropping Ella off at school this morning, she told me that every day before they split to go to their classrooms, she hugs Mia and says, "I love you and I'll see you after school." Mia told me Ella sometimes kisses her forehead too.
Later Nora needed my help peeling stickers off to stick them on a piece of construction paper. Then she brought me the paper and a crayon and asked me to write, "To Mommy" on it. I did and handed it back to her. She waited a split second, handed it back to me, and said, "Here you go. Happy Valentine's Day!"
It is a happy Valentine's Day. :)
While dropping Ella off at school this morning, she told me that every day before they split to go to their classrooms, she hugs Mia and says, "I love you and I'll see you after school." Mia told me Ella sometimes kisses her forehead too.
Later Nora needed my help peeling stickers off to stick them on a piece of construction paper. Then she brought me the paper and a crayon and asked me to write, "To Mommy" on it. I did and handed it back to her. She waited a split second, handed it back to me, and said, "Here you go. Happy Valentine's Day!"
It is a happy Valentine's Day. :)
Monday, February 10, 2014
Review: Solving the Paleo Equation
I was recently able to receive an advance copy of Matt Stone's new book. The following is my review:
This book is a practical guide to customizing your lifestyle
to optimize your health. It’s easy to read and contains a large amount of ideas
that are easily applied to improve health. Each section explains why the conventional
approach does not work and gives alternatives that do work. This is not your
typical diet book and is meant for health nuts that are experiencing a decline
in their health rather than improvement. It will give you a good set of
guidelines to determine what works best for you and your health and states that
small changes can have a huge payoff in the long run. Much of what is discussed
is the opposite of what many health gurus and doctors say. The science is
there, but in a way that is easy to understand and not overly technical. There’s
a list of references at the back of the book for further research for those who
are interested.
The section about electromagnetic fields seemed a bit out
there. But as with the other areas discussed, any effort to reduce exposure
could be valuable and would require only minor changes.
In my opinion, the biggest take away from this book is that
health and fitness is highly individualized and as such, the best guru for you
is your body. Learning to listen to it and reading its signs are hugely
beneficial. I find it refreshing to read a book about health and fitness that
is different from the pat answers everyone else gives. If you’ve ever wondered
if there is a sane alternative to extreme exercise and diet methods, this book
is for you.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Getting married young
In my small group, there is a young engaged couple (they're both 20). I'm also Facebook friends with both and have seen a fair number of links to articles about getting engaged and/or married young. Since I got married young (at 22) and got engaged quickly (after 5 weeks) and also had kids quickly (the first 11 months after our wedding and the next 17 months later), I thought I'd give my two cents.
I met Steve for the first time when I was 18. I was quiet, so I didn't talk to him. He doesn't remember meeting me because I was one of many friends his sister brought home for dinner. At that point, I had met all of his family a few times, although I'm not sure I had all their names down yet (Steve has six siblings). I got butterflies when I saw him. I later had a dream about him - very innocent, I was standing with my friends at a party and he came up and put his arm around my shoulders. After that, I kept thinking about him. But I didn't want to keep thinking about him if it wasn't going to go anywhere. So I asked God for a sign. I had been going home with Becky for dinner for a good 7 months and had met Steve once. There was a week left in the school year and if anything was ever going to happen between us, I would see him again. I figured it was unlikely to happen so it was a good sign to ask for. The next week I was hanging out in Becky's room when Steve showed up to pick up her mini-fridge. It wouldn't fit in her car and he had a truck. (Let me note that again, Steve has a vague memory of getting the fridge, but doesn't remember me.) We helped him load it and then I rode home with Becky for dinner. When we got there, Steve was playing with Isaac, who was three. I melted. He didn't stay for dinner though and Doug took us out to dinner at Ponderosa for his birthday. I got the sign I asked for. But I went home a few days later and promptly forgot.
Over the next few years, our paths crossed a few times. I went with Becky and their cousin Caleb to pick up pizza from the place Steve worked. The thing that stood out at that meeting was how tall he is (he's 6'4" and I've always liked tall guys). Again, he has a vague memory of that but doesn't remember me. When Becky graduated from college, I saw Steve with his then fiance at her open house and we even talked a little, standing in a little cluster of Becky, Caleb, Steve, his fiance, my boyfriend, and me. I remember him watching me, though he still doesn't remember that.
The following January, I spent three weeks in Guatemala. It came at the perfect time, since the guy I had been seeing had broken up with me in November and he was now seriously dating someone else. I always assumed I would get married the summer after college and I thought I would marry that man. In retrospect, though it was one of my better relationships up to that point, it wasn't ideal and keeping that relationship healthy would have been a lot of work. Being in Guatemala gave me time to gain some perspective and heal, particularly since my roommate and best friend was his cousin. I realized that his moving on so soon after me said nothing about what I did or didn't mean to him and everything about what his now-wife meant to him.
Shortly after returning, Becky invited me over to her parents' for dinner. I met Steve's best friend Mike, who was staying with them then. Steve was also living there then, though he wasn't home that night. Later that night, I made an offhand comment to Becky; "If your brother is ever single again, let me know." Saying that is out of character for me, but I said it. Becky told me that Steve's fiance had broken off the engagement. They were still trying to make it work, but were having a lot of problems. Of course, Becky told him I was interested and offered him my phone number. I think it was March when he finally asked her for it. The other relationship was over and he had taken some time to himself before getting my number. As Steve has since told me, everyone knew he had my number and I was interested, and everyone kept asking if he'd called me yet. His parents, his siblings, Mike, even his great aunt Rita. He never did. At one point, I was with Becky when she delivered dinner to him at RadioShack, but I pretty much stood there giggling. He does remember that, lol.
In April, Becky asked me to come over to proof a paper for her. So I drove over. Steve was home but in bed, since he'd been having trouble sleeping. While I was reading her paper, Steve walked into the room in his pajamas. He sat down and tried to get to know me. I say tried because he asked about my taste in music and movies, which are eclectic and don't provide much insight. I was also nervous, which means I didn't say a whole lot. He walked me to the door and said things were busy at work but he'd call me when they slowed down. He didn't call. Graduation was a month away then and I decided to give him until graduation. If he called by then, he was interested. If he didn't call, then I was going to forget about it (I *had* forgotten about the sign I got 3 years earlier). I didn't want to waste time mooning over a guy who wasn't interested.
Since it was obvious by then that I wasn't going to get married that summer, I had decided to stay in Jackson and look for a job. Some friends of mine kindly offered to let me live with them rent-free for the summer, until I found a job and an apartment. They live a mile down the road from Doug and Linda. The Thursday before graduation, I still hadn't heard from Steve and I was moving my things into the Maynards' house. Some family friends in Spring Arbor had offered to throw me a graduation party at their house, so I stopped by to invite the Scotts. Steve was home but taking an online test for a certification he was working on. He stopped what he was doing to come talk to me and asked me to go out with him on Saturday night. So Saturday, May 14, 2005, I graduated from college, moved into the Maynards' house, and had my first date with Steve. We went bowling with Becky and Zech, and then drove around talking and ended up at Denny's. We had both been in serious relationships and knew what we wanted and basically we laid all our cards on the table that night. I borrowed his Star Wars DVDs so I could find a scene that was filmed at Tikal in Guatemala. And the next day, I was the one that called him. We talked on the phone later that week when he was waiting to see Episode III and he came over with movies another night to help me dye my hair (I had a job interview and an attempt to highlight my hair ended up bleaching most of it, so we were trying to fix it). By his 22nd birthday on May 30th, we were dating. He met my dad and brother after going to a wedding with me. Shortly after, he told me he loved me. In June, he went home to Evart with me for the first time and met my mom and sisters. He ended up asking my entire family for permission to marry me (Dad even asked poor Donovan, who seemed so uncomfortable) and he proposed on Father's Day. It was after midnight and we were in our pajamas in my parents' living room, similar to when we had our first conversation at his parents' house. That was June 19th, 5 weeks after our first date.
Initially we talked about getting married in September because we didn't want to wait. We decided on December 10th and then decided to make it a double wedding with Tracy and Donovan, who had gotten engaged the Friday after we did. By the time we got married, Steve had left RadioShack, worked briefly for Transwestern selling phonebook ads, and was hired by Comcast. I resigned from my job shortly before we got married (shortly after Steve got the Comcast job, actually). We found a duplex, where we lived for about a year and a half. Ella came along 11 months after we got married and that duplex was her first home. By then, I was in grad school for counseling, had worked several different part-time jobs, and we were dealing with serious car issues (the Nissan had one issue that caused multiple other issues and the first place that "fixed" it basically did a hack job). We borrowed money from Steve's parents for the first repair and then needed to have all of it repaired again. I remember going into the credit union (where Steve now works) right before Christmas to apply for a loan. We were 23, had an infant, and very little money. I was scared. I don't remember much about that Christmas. We got Ella a CareBear and I remember the big Scott Christmas, because the uncles were as excited to hold Ella as the aunts were.
The next summer, we started looking at houses, because our little duplex was absolutely filled with baby gear. In August, we bought our house and I was pregnant again. Dad had a heart attack about a month later, which is the scariest thing that has happened to me. He actually had his heart attack about the same time I heard Amelia's heartbeat for the first time. We found out we were having a girl right around Ella's first birthday. The next few years are honestly a blur. Shortly after Mia was born, I started my practicum and then my internship. I also had to take my electives that fall. I graduated the next spring and have pictures of me with my family, including my MAC babies, as my cohort so lovingly called them. That summer, my parents moved and I turned 26, started working part-time using my license, and found out I was pregnant again (interesting fact: According to my doctor, I had the same due with Amelia and Nora (April 13). Mia's was actually the 12th because of leap year though.). We found out we were having another girl around Ella's 3rd birthday (Mia was about 18 months). Nora was born 6 days before Mia turned 2 and Ella wasn't quite 3.5.
To say life was chaotic is an understatement. I was still working part-time. Steve had just switched jobs and was working at a bank in Tecumseh. Neither of us were getting much sleep, which affects me more than it affects him. I get very cranky and short-tempered. Add in post-partum hormones and the stress of three kids in diapers (my kids potty train late. At least it goes quickly when it finally happens.), and those were some pretty rough times. I can't tell you how many times Steve got home from work to find all of us in tears. We made a point of spending time together in the evenings, but date nights were rare.
Steve climbed the ranks at the bank pretty quickly, which thankfully increased his paycheck. He has since switched jobs again, moving to a credit union in town. It's still stressful, but in a different way from previous jobs. Working at the call center was soul-crushing and he did that for 4.5 years to support our family. Since leaving Comcast, he's more than doubled his income and money is less of a stressor than it once was. We needed some routine repairs on the van in December and we were able to pay for it out of pocket. Life has changed tremendously in 7 years.
We've been married 8 years now. The kids are now 7, 5, and 3 (almost 6 and almost 4). We're both 30. We own a house and I drive a minivan. Two of the kids are in school and we're almost finished with diapers. Life is considerably less chaotic now, or maybe I'm just used to it. I feel like we're in a really good place. That's not to say we don't have to work at our relationship and that life is simple. Some days it's hard to communicate clearly and make each other the highest priority. It's all too easy to get caught up with the kids, the tv, our phones, work, or whatever and let our relationship slip through the cracks. It doesn't mean I don't love Steve or he doesn't love me or that we don't value our relationship. It does mean we have to be intentional.
Getting married young isn't easy and I think that it takes conscious work. You're growing up together and you could very easily grow apart if you aren't careful. Time together needs to be a priority. It doesn't mean date nights necessarily. Some of my best time with Steve is spent doing the dishes together. We talk and neither of us is playing on our phones or computers. Which brings me to the next thing: communication. No matter how similar you are or how in love, you cannot read each other's minds. Whether we're talking about arguments or gift-giving, this is just unrealistic. Maybe he genuinely has no idea why you're upset. He loves you and he can't resolve whatever the problem is if he doesn't know what it is. You need to communicate clearly and express yourself in a way that is non-accusatory. Let go of the idea that if he really loved you, he would know. Your marriage is not the place to play games. If you have expectations of your spouse, you need to examine whether they're realistic and then communicate them. It's unfair to get upset when someone fails to met expectations they don't know exist. Once they are communicated, exercise grace. Your spouse is human and will fail at times. But remember he's on your team and he loves you more than anyone else. He's not out to get you. People express love differently and it may take extra effort for you to express love in a way he understands (check out The Five Love Languages). Steve and I had a long talk and needed to adjust some things just this week in this area. It was a hard conversation to have, but it was worth it. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And someone will need to be the first to admit their fault and apologize. Steve is better at this than I am. There may be times when your part in the matter is that you reacted badly to the very bad thing he did. Admit it and apologize and he'll be more likely to admit his part. The goal is always reconciliation. You want a healthy marriage, not to be right. And remember that your spouse isn't perfect - and neither are you. A wise friend once told me that if you can't see your significant other's flaws, you're not ready to get married, because you're not seeing the person clearly. You need to be aware of his flaws before you know if you can live with them the rest of your life.
Nine years after that conversation with Becky, I love Steve more than ever. It's changed and deepened over the years, kind of like the difference between lighting the kindling and the initial burst of flame, where it's bright and hot, and when the embers have been burning for a while and it's more of a smoldering burn, not as hot but now it's all-encompassing. A fire left unattended will eventually burn out. But if you keep stoking the flame and adding fuel, it will keep burning. Flaws and all, there's no one else I want by my side and we're in this for life. If you have any doubts, please wait and think it through before committing. Even with as quickly as we got married, I had zero doubts that Steve was the man I wanted to grow old with. But we understood each other, I knew he came from a similar family, and because of his efforts with his ex-fiance, I knew he would work hard at our relationship. We balance each other - I have a bit of temper and he's calm, he's the big picture guy while I handle the details (and remember everything for him). We're stronger as a team than separate. He gets and loves my weird sense of humor that gets funny looks from most people. He doesn't try to change me and he loves me as I am, which inspires me to be better. He makes me confident just being me, which is a big deal to an introvert who's been told most of her life to lighten up, speak up, or come out of her shell.
I've only been married 8 years, so I definitely don't have all the answers. But I have been blessed with a great husband, wonderful parents and in-laws, and a bit of insight. If it helps anyone in their relationship, I'm happy to share it.
I met Steve for the first time when I was 18. I was quiet, so I didn't talk to him. He doesn't remember meeting me because I was one of many friends his sister brought home for dinner. At that point, I had met all of his family a few times, although I'm not sure I had all their names down yet (Steve has six siblings). I got butterflies when I saw him. I later had a dream about him - very innocent, I was standing with my friends at a party and he came up and put his arm around my shoulders. After that, I kept thinking about him. But I didn't want to keep thinking about him if it wasn't going to go anywhere. So I asked God for a sign. I had been going home with Becky for dinner for a good 7 months and had met Steve once. There was a week left in the school year and if anything was ever going to happen between us, I would see him again. I figured it was unlikely to happen so it was a good sign to ask for. The next week I was hanging out in Becky's room when Steve showed up to pick up her mini-fridge. It wouldn't fit in her car and he had a truck. (Let me note that again, Steve has a vague memory of getting the fridge, but doesn't remember me.) We helped him load it and then I rode home with Becky for dinner. When we got there, Steve was playing with Isaac, who was three. I melted. He didn't stay for dinner though and Doug took us out to dinner at Ponderosa for his birthday. I got the sign I asked for. But I went home a few days later and promptly forgot.
Over the next few years, our paths crossed a few times. I went with Becky and their cousin Caleb to pick up pizza from the place Steve worked. The thing that stood out at that meeting was how tall he is (he's 6'4" and I've always liked tall guys). Again, he has a vague memory of that but doesn't remember me. When Becky graduated from college, I saw Steve with his then fiance at her open house and we even talked a little, standing in a little cluster of Becky, Caleb, Steve, his fiance, my boyfriend, and me. I remember him watching me, though he still doesn't remember that.
The following January, I spent three weeks in Guatemala. It came at the perfect time, since the guy I had been seeing had broken up with me in November and he was now seriously dating someone else. I always assumed I would get married the summer after college and I thought I would marry that man. In retrospect, though it was one of my better relationships up to that point, it wasn't ideal and keeping that relationship healthy would have been a lot of work. Being in Guatemala gave me time to gain some perspective and heal, particularly since my roommate and best friend was his cousin. I realized that his moving on so soon after me said nothing about what I did or didn't mean to him and everything about what his now-wife meant to him.
Shortly after returning, Becky invited me over to her parents' for dinner. I met Steve's best friend Mike, who was staying with them then. Steve was also living there then, though he wasn't home that night. Later that night, I made an offhand comment to Becky; "If your brother is ever single again, let me know." Saying that is out of character for me, but I said it. Becky told me that Steve's fiance had broken off the engagement. They were still trying to make it work, but were having a lot of problems. Of course, Becky told him I was interested and offered him my phone number. I think it was March when he finally asked her for it. The other relationship was over and he had taken some time to himself before getting my number. As Steve has since told me, everyone knew he had my number and I was interested, and everyone kept asking if he'd called me yet. His parents, his siblings, Mike, even his great aunt Rita. He never did. At one point, I was with Becky when she delivered dinner to him at RadioShack, but I pretty much stood there giggling. He does remember that, lol.
In April, Becky asked me to come over to proof a paper for her. So I drove over. Steve was home but in bed, since he'd been having trouble sleeping. While I was reading her paper, Steve walked into the room in his pajamas. He sat down and tried to get to know me. I say tried because he asked about my taste in music and movies, which are eclectic and don't provide much insight. I was also nervous, which means I didn't say a whole lot. He walked me to the door and said things were busy at work but he'd call me when they slowed down. He didn't call. Graduation was a month away then and I decided to give him until graduation. If he called by then, he was interested. If he didn't call, then I was going to forget about it (I *had* forgotten about the sign I got 3 years earlier). I didn't want to waste time mooning over a guy who wasn't interested.
Since it was obvious by then that I wasn't going to get married that summer, I had decided to stay in Jackson and look for a job. Some friends of mine kindly offered to let me live with them rent-free for the summer, until I found a job and an apartment. They live a mile down the road from Doug and Linda. The Thursday before graduation, I still hadn't heard from Steve and I was moving my things into the Maynards' house. Some family friends in Spring Arbor had offered to throw me a graduation party at their house, so I stopped by to invite the Scotts. Steve was home but taking an online test for a certification he was working on. He stopped what he was doing to come talk to me and asked me to go out with him on Saturday night. So Saturday, May 14, 2005, I graduated from college, moved into the Maynards' house, and had my first date with Steve. We went bowling with Becky and Zech, and then drove around talking and ended up at Denny's. We had both been in serious relationships and knew what we wanted and basically we laid all our cards on the table that night. I borrowed his Star Wars DVDs so I could find a scene that was filmed at Tikal in Guatemala. And the next day, I was the one that called him. We talked on the phone later that week when he was waiting to see Episode III and he came over with movies another night to help me dye my hair (I had a job interview and an attempt to highlight my hair ended up bleaching most of it, so we were trying to fix it). By his 22nd birthday on May 30th, we were dating. He met my dad and brother after going to a wedding with me. Shortly after, he told me he loved me. In June, he went home to Evart with me for the first time and met my mom and sisters. He ended up asking my entire family for permission to marry me (Dad even asked poor Donovan, who seemed so uncomfortable) and he proposed on Father's Day. It was after midnight and we were in our pajamas in my parents' living room, similar to when we had our first conversation at his parents' house. That was June 19th, 5 weeks after our first date.
Initially we talked about getting married in September because we didn't want to wait. We decided on December 10th and then decided to make it a double wedding with Tracy and Donovan, who had gotten engaged the Friday after we did. By the time we got married, Steve had left RadioShack, worked briefly for Transwestern selling phonebook ads, and was hired by Comcast. I resigned from my job shortly before we got married (shortly after Steve got the Comcast job, actually). We found a duplex, where we lived for about a year and a half. Ella came along 11 months after we got married and that duplex was her first home. By then, I was in grad school for counseling, had worked several different part-time jobs, and we were dealing with serious car issues (the Nissan had one issue that caused multiple other issues and the first place that "fixed" it basically did a hack job). We borrowed money from Steve's parents for the first repair and then needed to have all of it repaired again. I remember going into the credit union (where Steve now works) right before Christmas to apply for a loan. We were 23, had an infant, and very little money. I was scared. I don't remember much about that Christmas. We got Ella a CareBear and I remember the big Scott Christmas, because the uncles were as excited to hold Ella as the aunts were.
The next summer, we started looking at houses, because our little duplex was absolutely filled with baby gear. In August, we bought our house and I was pregnant again. Dad had a heart attack about a month later, which is the scariest thing that has happened to me. He actually had his heart attack about the same time I heard Amelia's heartbeat for the first time. We found out we were having a girl right around Ella's first birthday. The next few years are honestly a blur. Shortly after Mia was born, I started my practicum and then my internship. I also had to take my electives that fall. I graduated the next spring and have pictures of me with my family, including my MAC babies, as my cohort so lovingly called them. That summer, my parents moved and I turned 26, started working part-time using my license, and found out I was pregnant again (interesting fact: According to my doctor, I had the same due with Amelia and Nora (April 13). Mia's was actually the 12th because of leap year though.). We found out we were having another girl around Ella's 3rd birthday (Mia was about 18 months). Nora was born 6 days before Mia turned 2 and Ella wasn't quite 3.5.
To say life was chaotic is an understatement. I was still working part-time. Steve had just switched jobs and was working at a bank in Tecumseh. Neither of us were getting much sleep, which affects me more than it affects him. I get very cranky and short-tempered. Add in post-partum hormones and the stress of three kids in diapers (my kids potty train late. At least it goes quickly when it finally happens.), and those were some pretty rough times. I can't tell you how many times Steve got home from work to find all of us in tears. We made a point of spending time together in the evenings, but date nights were rare.
Steve climbed the ranks at the bank pretty quickly, which thankfully increased his paycheck. He has since switched jobs again, moving to a credit union in town. It's still stressful, but in a different way from previous jobs. Working at the call center was soul-crushing and he did that for 4.5 years to support our family. Since leaving Comcast, he's more than doubled his income and money is less of a stressor than it once was. We needed some routine repairs on the van in December and we were able to pay for it out of pocket. Life has changed tremendously in 7 years.
We've been married 8 years now. The kids are now 7, 5, and 3 (almost 6 and almost 4). We're both 30. We own a house and I drive a minivan. Two of the kids are in school and we're almost finished with diapers. Life is considerably less chaotic now, or maybe I'm just used to it. I feel like we're in a really good place. That's not to say we don't have to work at our relationship and that life is simple. Some days it's hard to communicate clearly and make each other the highest priority. It's all too easy to get caught up with the kids, the tv, our phones, work, or whatever and let our relationship slip through the cracks. It doesn't mean I don't love Steve or he doesn't love me or that we don't value our relationship. It does mean we have to be intentional.
Getting married young isn't easy and I think that it takes conscious work. You're growing up together and you could very easily grow apart if you aren't careful. Time together needs to be a priority. It doesn't mean date nights necessarily. Some of my best time with Steve is spent doing the dishes together. We talk and neither of us is playing on our phones or computers. Which brings me to the next thing: communication. No matter how similar you are or how in love, you cannot read each other's minds. Whether we're talking about arguments or gift-giving, this is just unrealistic. Maybe he genuinely has no idea why you're upset. He loves you and he can't resolve whatever the problem is if he doesn't know what it is. You need to communicate clearly and express yourself in a way that is non-accusatory. Let go of the idea that if he really loved you, he would know. Your marriage is not the place to play games. If you have expectations of your spouse, you need to examine whether they're realistic and then communicate them. It's unfair to get upset when someone fails to met expectations they don't know exist. Once they are communicated, exercise grace. Your spouse is human and will fail at times. But remember he's on your team and he loves you more than anyone else. He's not out to get you. People express love differently and it may take extra effort for you to express love in a way he understands (check out The Five Love Languages). Steve and I had a long talk and needed to adjust some things just this week in this area. It was a hard conversation to have, but it was worth it. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And someone will need to be the first to admit their fault and apologize. Steve is better at this than I am. There may be times when your part in the matter is that you reacted badly to the very bad thing he did. Admit it and apologize and he'll be more likely to admit his part. The goal is always reconciliation. You want a healthy marriage, not to be right. And remember that your spouse isn't perfect - and neither are you. A wise friend once told me that if you can't see your significant other's flaws, you're not ready to get married, because you're not seeing the person clearly. You need to be aware of his flaws before you know if you can live with them the rest of your life.
Nine years after that conversation with Becky, I love Steve more than ever. It's changed and deepened over the years, kind of like the difference between lighting the kindling and the initial burst of flame, where it's bright and hot, and when the embers have been burning for a while and it's more of a smoldering burn, not as hot but now it's all-encompassing. A fire left unattended will eventually burn out. But if you keep stoking the flame and adding fuel, it will keep burning. Flaws and all, there's no one else I want by my side and we're in this for life. If you have any doubts, please wait and think it through before committing. Even with as quickly as we got married, I had zero doubts that Steve was the man I wanted to grow old with. But we understood each other, I knew he came from a similar family, and because of his efforts with his ex-fiance, I knew he would work hard at our relationship. We balance each other - I have a bit of temper and he's calm, he's the big picture guy while I handle the details (and remember everything for him). We're stronger as a team than separate. He gets and loves my weird sense of humor that gets funny looks from most people. He doesn't try to change me and he loves me as I am, which inspires me to be better. He makes me confident just being me, which is a big deal to an introvert who's been told most of her life to lighten up, speak up, or come out of her shell.
I've only been married 8 years, so I definitely don't have all the answers. But I have been blessed with a great husband, wonderful parents and in-laws, and a bit of insight. If it helps anyone in their relationship, I'm happy to share it.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
What's new
For several years running, when someone asked what was new with me, I had a big list of important news:
2005 - graduated from college, got engaged, got married
2006 - had a baby, was accepted to/started grad school
2007 - bought a house
2008 - had a baby
2009 - graduated from grad school
2010 - had a baby
Life hasn't slowed down. But my "accomplishments" these days are a bit different and aren't the big life events people celebrate. Some days, I'm doing good if I drop off and pick the girls up on time and manage to do something productive in between. Others I manage to reorganize a whole section of the house or teach one of the girls something useful - tying her shoes, writing her name, a trick to remember something. This is the minutiae of everyday life. I've heard parenthood called painting a cathedral. The work is slow and sometimes tedious. Every so often, I catch a glimpse of the progress and it's beautiful. But most people don't recognize the beauty and importance until it is completed.
And it takes years of incremental progress to paint a cathedral.
There's both pride and a pang of sadness when one of the girls hits a new milestone. I'm so excited and proud when the girls are finally potty trained, begin school, make new friends without my help. But there's a twinge of sadness knowing that each milestone means they are successfully moving away from me. From the time a child is born, a parent's job is to slowly teach that child to live independently of him/her. In college, I was struck by the idea that the most successful parents' kids are ready to leave home at 18. They're not running for their lives or desperate to stay. Instead, they willingly leave and come back to visit and ask for advice when they need it. Things shift. Parents aren't needed for daily guidance, but are appreciated for their wisdom. When the time comes for the girls to move out, I want them to be ready to face the world. I want them to miss me but not be crippled by the distance between us. To me that's one sign of a job well-done.
Not all my less obvious accomplishments involve the girls. I feel like I'm finding a balance between being active and eating well and not letting it preoccupy me. I'm becoming more comfortable with being who am I and not trying to be who I'm not. I'm learning to say no, especially when saying yes comes at the expense of me or my family. I've rediscovered some long-discarded hobbies and with it, a bit more of who I used to be. I've focused more attention on relationships that challenge me to be a better person and less on the ones that let negativity fester.
In short, a lot of good is happening. They're all small pieces of the big, important picture, but much of it doesn't feel noteworthy to most people. Indeed, a lot of it simply feels like life. Perhaps when people ask what's going on with me, I should just smile enigmatically and answer, "Life."
2005 - graduated from college, got engaged, got married
2006 - had a baby, was accepted to/started grad school
2007 - bought a house
2008 - had a baby
2009 - graduated from grad school
2010 - had a baby
Life hasn't slowed down. But my "accomplishments" these days are a bit different and aren't the big life events people celebrate. Some days, I'm doing good if I drop off and pick the girls up on time and manage to do something productive in between. Others I manage to reorganize a whole section of the house or teach one of the girls something useful - tying her shoes, writing her name, a trick to remember something. This is the minutiae of everyday life. I've heard parenthood called painting a cathedral. The work is slow and sometimes tedious. Every so often, I catch a glimpse of the progress and it's beautiful. But most people don't recognize the beauty and importance until it is completed.
And it takes years of incremental progress to paint a cathedral.
There's both pride and a pang of sadness when one of the girls hits a new milestone. I'm so excited and proud when the girls are finally potty trained, begin school, make new friends without my help. But there's a twinge of sadness knowing that each milestone means they are successfully moving away from me. From the time a child is born, a parent's job is to slowly teach that child to live independently of him/her. In college, I was struck by the idea that the most successful parents' kids are ready to leave home at 18. They're not running for their lives or desperate to stay. Instead, they willingly leave and come back to visit and ask for advice when they need it. Things shift. Parents aren't needed for daily guidance, but are appreciated for their wisdom. When the time comes for the girls to move out, I want them to be ready to face the world. I want them to miss me but not be crippled by the distance between us. To me that's one sign of a job well-done.
Not all my less obvious accomplishments involve the girls. I feel like I'm finding a balance between being active and eating well and not letting it preoccupy me. I'm becoming more comfortable with being who am I and not trying to be who I'm not. I'm learning to say no, especially when saying yes comes at the expense of me or my family. I've rediscovered some long-discarded hobbies and with it, a bit more of who I used to be. I've focused more attention on relationships that challenge me to be a better person and less on the ones that let negativity fester.
In short, a lot of good is happening. They're all small pieces of the big, important picture, but much of it doesn't feel noteworthy to most people. Indeed, a lot of it simply feels like life. Perhaps when people ask what's going on with me, I should just smile enigmatically and answer, "Life."
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