Getting married young

In my small group, there is a young engaged couple (they're both 20). I'm also Facebook friends with both and have seen a fair number of links to articles about getting engaged and/or married young. Since I got married young (at 22) and got engaged quickly (after 5 weeks) and also had kids quickly (the first 11 months after our wedding and the next 17 months later), I thought I'd give my two cents.

I met Steve for the first time when I was 18. I was quiet, so I didn't talk to him. He doesn't remember meeting me because I was one of many friends his sister brought home for dinner. At that point, I had met all of his family a few times, although I'm not sure I had all their names down yet (Steve has six siblings). I got butterflies when I saw him. I later had a dream about him - very innocent, I was standing with my friends at a party and he came up and put his arm around my shoulders. After that, I kept thinking about him. But I didn't want to keep thinking about him if it wasn't going to go anywhere. So I asked God for a sign. I had been going home with Becky for dinner for a good 7 months and had met Steve once. There was a week left in the school year and if anything was ever going to happen between us, I would see him again. I figured it was unlikely to happen so it was a good sign to ask for. The next week I was hanging out in Becky's room when Steve showed up to pick up her mini-fridge. It wouldn't fit in her car and he had a truck. (Let me note that again, Steve has a vague memory of getting the fridge, but doesn't remember me.) We helped him load it and then I rode home with Becky for dinner. When we got there, Steve was playing with Isaac, who was three. I melted. He didn't stay for dinner though and Doug took us out to dinner at Ponderosa for his birthday. I got the sign I asked for. But I went home a few days later and promptly forgot.

Over the next few years, our paths crossed a few times. I went with Becky and their cousin Caleb to pick up pizza from the place Steve worked. The thing that stood out at that meeting was how tall he is (he's 6'4" and I've always liked tall guys). Again, he has a vague memory of that but doesn't remember me. When Becky graduated from college, I saw Steve with his then fiance at her open house and we even talked a little, standing in a little cluster of Becky, Caleb, Steve, his fiance, my boyfriend, and me. I remember him watching me, though he still doesn't remember that.

The following January, I spent three weeks in Guatemala. It came at the perfect time, since the guy I had been seeing had broken up with me in November and he was now seriously dating someone else. I always assumed I would get married the summer after college and I thought I would marry that man. In retrospect, though it was one of my better relationships up to that point, it wasn't ideal and keeping that relationship healthy would have been a lot of work. Being in Guatemala gave me time to gain some perspective and heal, particularly since my roommate and best friend was his cousin. I realized that his moving on so soon after me said nothing about what I did or didn't mean to him and everything about what his now-wife meant to him.

Shortly after returning, Becky invited me over to her parents' for dinner. I met Steve's best friend Mike, who was staying with them then. Steve was also living there then, though he wasn't home that night. Later that night, I made an offhand comment to Becky; "If your brother is ever single again, let me know." Saying that is out of character for me, but I said it. Becky told me that Steve's fiance had broken off the engagement. They were still trying to make it work, but were having a lot of problems. Of course, Becky told him I was interested and offered him my phone number. I think it was March when he finally asked her for it. The other relationship was over and he had taken some time to himself before getting my number. As Steve has since told me, everyone knew he had my number and I was interested, and everyone kept asking if he'd called me yet. His parents, his siblings, Mike, even his great aunt Rita. He never did. At one point, I was with Becky when she delivered dinner to him at RadioShack, but I pretty much stood there giggling. He does remember that, lol.

In April, Becky asked me to come over to proof a paper for her. So I drove over. Steve was home but in bed, since he'd been having trouble sleeping. While I was reading her paper, Steve walked into the room in his pajamas. He sat down and tried to get to know me. I say tried because he asked about my taste in music and movies, which are eclectic and don't provide much insight. I was also nervous, which means I didn't say a whole lot. He walked me to the door and said things were busy at work but he'd call me when they slowed down. He didn't call. Graduation was a month away then and I decided to give him until graduation. If he called by then, he was interested. If he didn't call, then I was going to forget about it (I *had* forgotten about the sign I got 3 years earlier). I didn't want to waste time mooning over a guy who wasn't interested.

Since it was obvious by then that I wasn't going to get married that summer, I had decided to stay in Jackson and look for a job. Some friends of mine kindly offered to let me live with them rent-free for the summer, until I found a job and an apartment. They live a mile down the road from Doug and Linda. The Thursday before graduation, I still hadn't heard from Steve and I was moving my things into the Maynards' house. Some family friends in Spring Arbor had offered to throw me a graduation party at their house, so I stopped by to invite the Scotts. Steve was home but taking an online test for a certification he was working on. He stopped what he was doing to come talk to me and asked me to go out with him on Saturday night. So Saturday, May 14, 2005, I graduated from college, moved into the Maynards' house, and had my first date with Steve. We went bowling with Becky and Zech, and then drove around talking and ended up at Denny's. We had both been in serious relationships and knew what we wanted and basically we laid all our cards on the table that night. I borrowed his Star Wars DVDs so I could find a scene that was filmed at Tikal in Guatemala. And the next day, I was the one that called him. We talked on the phone later that week when he was waiting to see Episode III and he came over with movies another night to help me dye my hair (I had a job interview and an attempt to highlight my hair ended up bleaching most of it, so we were trying to fix it). By his 22nd birthday on May 30th, we were dating. He met my dad and brother after going to a wedding with me. Shortly after, he told me he loved me. In June, he went home to Evart with me for the first time and met my mom and sisters. He ended up asking my entire family for permission to marry me (Dad even asked poor Donovan, who seemed so uncomfortable) and he proposed on Father's Day. It was after midnight and we were in our pajamas in my parents' living room, similar to when we had our first conversation at his parents' house. That was June 19th, 5 weeks after our first date.

Initially we talked about getting married in September because we didn't want to wait. We decided on December 10th and then decided to make it a double wedding with Tracy and Donovan, who had gotten engaged the Friday after we did. By the time we got married, Steve had left RadioShack, worked briefly for Transwestern selling phonebook ads, and was hired by Comcast. I resigned from my job shortly before we got married (shortly after Steve got the Comcast job, actually). We found a duplex, where we lived for about a year and a half. Ella came along 11 months after we got married and that duplex was her first home. By then, I was in grad school for counseling, had worked several different part-time jobs, and we were dealing with serious car issues (the Nissan had one issue that caused multiple other issues and the first place that "fixed" it basically did a hack job). We borrowed money from Steve's parents for the first repair and then needed to have all of it repaired again. I remember going into the credit union (where Steve now works) right before Christmas to apply for a loan. We were 23, had an infant, and very little money. I was scared. I don't remember much about that Christmas. We got Ella a CareBear and I remember the big Scott Christmas, because the uncles were as excited to hold Ella as the aunts were.

The next summer, we started looking at houses, because our little duplex was absolutely filled with baby gear. In August, we bought our house and I was pregnant again. Dad had a heart attack about a month later, which is the scariest thing that has happened to me. He actually had his heart attack about the same time I heard Amelia's heartbeat for the first time. We found out we were having a girl right around Ella's first birthday. The next few years are honestly a blur. Shortly after Mia was born, I started my practicum and then my internship. I also had to take my electives that fall. I graduated the next spring and have pictures of me with my family, including my MAC babies, as my cohort so lovingly called them. That summer, my parents moved and I turned 26, started working part-time using my license, and found out I was pregnant again (interesting fact: According to my doctor, I had the same due with Amelia and Nora (April 13). Mia's was actually the 12th because of leap year though.). We found out we were having another girl around Ella's 3rd birthday (Mia was about 18 months). Nora was born 6 days before Mia turned 2 and Ella wasn't quite 3.5.

To say life was chaotic is an understatement. I was still working part-time. Steve had just switched jobs and was working at a bank in Tecumseh. Neither of us were getting much sleep, which affects me more than it affects him. I get very cranky and short-tempered. Add in post-partum hormones and the stress of three kids in diapers (my kids potty train late. At least it goes quickly when it finally happens.), and those were some pretty rough times. I can't tell you how many times Steve got home from work to find all of us in tears. We made a point of spending time together in the evenings, but date nights were rare.

Steve climbed the ranks at the bank pretty quickly, which thankfully increased his paycheck. He has since switched jobs again, moving to a credit union in town. It's still stressful, but in a different way from previous jobs. Working at the call center was soul-crushing and he did that for 4.5 years to support our family. Since leaving Comcast, he's more than doubled his income and money is less of a stressor than it once was. We needed some routine repairs on the van in December and we were able to pay for it out of pocket. Life has changed tremendously in 7 years.

We've been married 8 years now. The kids are now 7, 5, and 3 (almost 6 and almost 4). We're both 30. We own a house and I drive a minivan. Two of the kids are in school and we're almost finished with diapers. Life is considerably less chaotic now, or maybe I'm just used to it. I feel like we're in a really good place. That's not to say we don't have to work at our relationship and that life is simple. Some days it's hard to communicate clearly and make each other the highest priority. It's all too easy to get caught up with the kids, the tv, our phones, work, or whatever and let our relationship slip through the cracks. It doesn't mean I don't love Steve or he doesn't love me or that we don't value our relationship. It does mean we have to be intentional.

Getting married young isn't easy and I think that it takes conscious work. You're growing up together and you could very easily grow apart if you aren't careful. Time together needs to be a priority. It doesn't mean date nights necessarily. Some of my best time with Steve is spent doing the dishes together. We talk and neither of us is playing on our phones or computers. Which brings me to the next thing: communication. No matter how similar you are or how in love, you cannot read each other's minds. Whether we're talking about arguments or gift-giving, this is just unrealistic. Maybe he genuinely has no idea why you're upset. He loves you and he can't resolve whatever the problem is if he doesn't know what it is. You need to communicate clearly and express yourself in a way that is non-accusatory. Let go of the idea that if he really loved you, he would know. Your marriage is not the place to play games. If you have expectations of your spouse, you need to examine whether they're realistic and then communicate them. It's unfair to get upset when someone fails to met expectations they don't know exist. Once they are communicated, exercise grace. Your spouse is human and will fail at times. But remember he's on your team and he loves you more than anyone else. He's not out to get you. People express love differently and it may take extra effort for you to express love in a way he understands (check out The Five Love Languages). Steve and I had a long talk and needed to adjust some things just this week in this area. It was a hard conversation to have, but it was worth it. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And someone will need to be the first to admit their fault and apologize. Steve is better at this than I am. There may be times when your part in the matter is that you reacted badly to the very bad thing he did. Admit it and apologize and he'll be more likely to admit his part. The goal is always reconciliation. You want a healthy marriage, not to be right. And remember that your spouse isn't perfect - and neither are you. A wise friend once told me that if you can't see your significant other's flaws, you're not ready to get married, because you're not seeing the person clearly. You need to be aware of his flaws before you know if you can live with them the rest of your life.

Nine years after that conversation with Becky, I love Steve more than ever. It's changed and deepened over the years, kind of like the difference between lighting the kindling and the initial burst of flame, where it's bright and hot, and when the embers have been burning for a while and it's more of a smoldering burn, not as hot but now it's all-encompassing. A fire left unattended will eventually burn out. But if you keep stoking the flame and adding fuel, it will keep burning. Flaws and all, there's no one else I want by my side and we're in this for life. If you have any doubts, please wait and think it through before committing. Even with as quickly as we got married, I had zero doubts that Steve was the man I wanted to grow old with. But we understood each other, I knew he came from a similar family, and because of his efforts with his ex-fiance, I knew he would work hard at our relationship. We balance each other - I have a bit of temper and he's calm, he's the big picture guy while I handle the details (and remember everything for him). We're stronger as a team than separate. He gets and loves my weird sense of humor that gets funny looks from most people. He doesn't try to change me and he loves me as I am, which inspires me to be better. He makes me confident just being me, which is a big deal to an introvert who's been told most of her life to lighten up, speak up, or come out of her shell.

I've only been married 8 years, so I definitely don't have all the answers. But I have been blessed with a great husband, wonderful parents and in-laws, and a bit of insight. If it helps anyone in their relationship, I'm happy to share it.