Love is not a puddle

Last night I was trying to feed Nora one last time and get her to fall asleep. I was reading through my Facebook newsfeed when someone's name caught my eye. I realized her last name was her maiden name again, not her married name. Uh oh. She's an acquaintance, not someone I know very well, so I'm pretty oblivious to what's happening in her life. The only clue was in her bio, something along the lines of, "life took an unexpected turn and I'm trusting God." It made me immensely sad. She's my age and it appears her marriage is done. I don't know why. Maybe he was abusive or cheated. Maybe they "fell out of love" (I hate this phrase and will come back to it). Whatever the reason, it's sad to me when two people who planned to spend their lives together decide that's no longer possible. Sad doesn't seem like the right word. I don't feel pity for them. It's deeper, like my heart hurts a bit that their dreams of how life would work were dashed. And worse yet, it seems to happen to anyone and everyone. I cannot tell you the number of people on my friends list who are my age or younger and are divorced. Some are Christians, some are not. It really doesn't seem to make a difference, which is really sad. It breaks my heart and makes me wonder what is going wrong that so many people are now divorced.

Maybe part of it is just the way society is now. We want what we want and we want it now, with no effort on our part. Anything that's broken needs to be fixed immediately or thrown away. I *deserve* to be happy and you don't make me happy anymore. If it's hard or involves pain, I don't want anything to do with it. No wonder marriages don't work anymore. Marriage is work. If the person you marry is a good match for you, it will be easier, but it's still a relationship that requires compromise and maintenance. You won't always get your way, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and admit fault, there won't always be warm fuzzies. But the image we're fed is that you marry the one who makes you happy, your Prince Charming. Happily ever after is never shown; they end the movie at the wedding. But the wedding is the least important part of a marriage.

Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Feelings change. Saying you love someone but you're not in love with them is ridiculous. The honest thing to say would be, "I love you but I don't feel like working at our relationship because it's not exciting anymore." Love is not a puddle. It's not something you fall in and out of. But with the way romantic comedies portray love now, we think it is. When the fuzzy feelings disappear and things get rough, we think the love is gone. It's not if we decide it's not. Now, you need to be careful who you marry. Sometimes relationships are a lot harder than they should be because the person isn't a good complement to you. Date long enough to know someone and know if you can make it work forever. If it's hard work all the time, don't get married. Marriage isn't something to rush into (says the girl who was engaged 5 weeks into a relationship and married 6 months later). If someone who truly cares about you expresses concern, listen to them. If people did this, I think we could avoid a lot of divorces today.

Guard your marriage. Don't let divorce be an option. Did you know that divorce is like an epidemic? Meaning that if the people you spend time with (family members, friends, coworkers) are divorced, you're more likely to get divorced? Seeing the people around you "solve" their problems that way, you're likely to view it as an option. Don't let it be. Following this line of reasoning a bit further, you're very lucky and blessed if your parents are still married. If you saw your parents fight fairly and work it out, you're lucky! They gave you a blueprint for making a marriage work. You know that conflict is normal and can be worked out. You can learn by their example and ask them for guidance and advice. This is becoming more and more rare. I think that having parents who are still married and love each other dramatically increases your odds of a happy, healthy marriage. You can learn from other people's mistakes and learn what NOT to do, but it's easier to learn from someone else's good example. So if your parents love each other, count yourself very blessed. And parents, one of the best things you can do for your kids is to love your spouse. Seriously.

Now, Steve and I got engaged and married very quickly. And then had kids quickly and close together. Throw in grad school and buying a house and we're pretty much nuts. But we have a pretty solid marriage. Don't misunderstand me, we fight. Usually over stupid little things. But we're both fortunate to have parents who have been married 30+ years and love each other. So we know how to fight fairly and work things out. From day one, we had that advantage. Thank you Mom and Dad, and Doug and Linda. By showing us how to make marriage work, you've helped make our marriage strong. Don't think that your parents being married means your marriage will be a breeze. It simply means they've shown you how to make it work and equipped you with tools to do it.

It would be incredibly naive of me to think Steve and I are immune to divorce. We're not. We guard against it though. We try to connect each day, which can be hard with three little kids. We try to do date nights once every month or two to make sure we get some kid-free time. We do little things for each other. I try to greet Steve enthusiastically when he gets home from work. He tries to do thoughtful things for me, like giving me a break from the girls after a really rough day. It's not usually overtly romantic things, like roses or chocolates, but things that are considerate of each other.

But let me back up a bit. Steve and I were 21 when we went on our first date. Things got serious very quickly and we didn't do things the way you're *supposed* to. We talked about past relationships on the first date. I called him the next day instead of waiting three. We didn't kiss until two weeks later. We were engaged three weeks after that, five short weeks after our first date. We had a double wedding six months later. By our first anniversary, we had a baby and I was in grad school. Our fifth anniversary is about six weeks away. We now have three kids, a house, a minivan, and I have my masters degree. It's worked great for us but it's not a schedule I recommend that anyone else follow.

Before Steve and I really even had a conversation, I knew a fair amount about him. I knew his parents had a good marriage, so he probably had similar views on marriage as I did. I knew he was good with kids, so he'd probably be a good dad. I knew he worked hard on his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, so I knew he'd stick around and try to make things work even when things got hard. I knew he grew up going to church, so he was probably a Christian. Our first date confirmed that and showed he respects his mom (and everyone else) and is a geek (something I am familiar and comfortable with). He was easy to talk to and open about himself. We were both in that place where we were being totally honest about who we were and what we wanted, because we didn't want to make a relationship work by pretending to be something we weren't. We were both ready for a commitment and knew what we were looking for. It quickly became clear we'd found it. Everyone who knew either of us well supported it. I really think we would have backed up and reconsidered if one of our parents, siblings, or close friends had had doubts about it. I just want to stress this again, think twice if your family/friends aren't supportive. Odds are they're trying to save you some heartache.

Steve is truly my partner. He's my support and friend. We genuinely like each other. We do fight. Don't be afraid of conflict. Work it out. Be nice but be honest. If you avoid conflict, you're probably hiding who you are and how you really feel. That's not conducive to a healthy marriage. Be honest. Working out conflicts and finding a compromise makes your relationship stronger, not weaker.

To sum up: know who you're marrying before the wedding. Guard against divorce. Find older couples with good marriages, especially if your parents aren't in a good marriage. Fight fair and be honest. And love isn't a puddle.